Celebrity Reviews: The Amazon Reviews of Jeff Bezos
This is the Jeff Bezos that Jeff Bezos wants the world to see. The photo blurred, the gaze distant yet all too near, the shadows creating a visage split in two, the light and the dark, forever connected.
That’s Jeff Bezos, Seattle, WA USA.
In case the title didn’t give it away-
JEFF BEZOS HAS A PUBLIC AMAZON ACCOUNT AND WE CAN READ HIS REVIEWS
Yes. That’s right. Feel the power, the power you hold by reading this man’s diary of things he liked!
Full disclosure: this story did appear in headlines across the internet circa late spring 2021, but it has found its now, early summer 2021, HERE with Review Party Dot Com.
If you didn’t listen to this week’s episode, we do cover a number of these reviews (so go listen here). But this elegant written format affords us so much more space to really unpack everything. So let’s get to it!
While the record states that Mr. Bezos - at time of writing, ranked Amazon Reviewer #79,305,603 - has nine reviews to his name/account, only six of these remain viewable.
We’re gonna take them one by one, and go back in time to the start. I won’t copy his reviews, but instead I’ll review them. If you’d like to see them, you can do so here.
Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk, Gallon, 128 oz
You didn’t think men like Bezos laughed did you? Well, we can’t be sure he is a man, but apparently Jeff Bezos does laugh, so much that milk shoots out his nose. Or at least that’s what we can envision, since the Bezos himself got in on the Tuscan Dairy Milk meme review train (read our take on Tuscan Milk here and here).
It’s a short and sweet review; he says he’s been drinking milk since he was born. Classic.
Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom
This is a novel in which our future society is based on a money-free economy, where instead, people gain and lose a reputation currency called "whuffie." Jeff begins his review by quoting dialogue from Star Trek, if that gives you any needed insight.
For someone whose fortunes are largely based on the reputations and ratings of the products they sell (or facilitate the sale of), the concept of a reputation economy must really get Jeff going. On one hand, he has so much money; is our world essentially money free for him anyway? But on the other hand, he knows the power of reviews, how the system functions. Will this inspire his next step towards world domination?
Project Orion: The True Story of the Atomic Spaceship
Oh, of course not. This is his inspiration, and not for world domination, but for outer worlds domination. You know he’s going to space just to test out delivery times, right? That has to be the plan there.
This is a pretty standard review, actually, and the only thing that sticks out is the opening line of “For those of us who dream of visiting the outer planets…” Couple that with the fact that he left this review in 2002, and it’s a little eerie.
The Proving Ground: The Inside Story of the 1998 Sydney to Hobart Race
I don’t come from a people who know much about sailing. Jeff has money, so Jeff does. I assume that’s why Jeff would be interested in reading about a race that became ultimately the worst modern sailing disaster, leaving six sailors dead and many yachts destroyed.
The examples of human perseverance, when faced with “a circumstance more challenging and dangerous than any of them expected” is what Jeff would later use as a template for Amazon warehouse and delivery driver working conditions.
Canon 18x50 Image Stabilization All-Weather Binoculars w/Case, Neck Strap & Batteries
We didn’t get to talk about this on the show! All these jokes are gonna be fresh, baby!
Holy moly! Granted, this is a review from the Year 2000, but the product page lists 4 of these “New and Used,” available for the low price of $1,449.00. Yeah, Jeff lives in a money-free world, that’s like scratching an itch for him.
SPEAKING OF, what sort of itch is Jeff scratching with these ‘nocs? When he says “these are the best binoculars I’ve ever used” it’s a bit like saying “These are the best latex gloves I’ve ever used.” What are you doing with them and why have you bought so many, Jeff?!
Of note with this review is that Mr. Bezos does list a few complaints, namely that the neck strap does not come pre-installed, and that the lens covers could’ve been of a better quality and attachable to the binoculars. Something is telling me Jeff planned on having to run away when using these peepers.
Life is Beautiful
Touching, heartfelt, an Oscar winner. A great film all around, and one which Jeff advises you watch in the native Italian with subtitles, so as not to lose out on Robert Benigni’s performance.
I agree with most everything Jeff says, and if you haven’t seen this, you should. You will laugh and cry, this I guarantee.
But apparently Jeff wanted a few more laughs, as he ends his review thusly (after titling his review “Wow. A masterpiece.”):
Too bad the DVD doesn't include any deleted scenes. With Benigni, I think it would be particularly fun to see out-takes.
Point one, masterpieces don’t leave anything to chance. There’s nothing on the cutting room floor worth seeing, because everything that needed to be in the film, was in it, and everything extra was left out for good reason.
And Point two, what the heck, Jeff!? Yes, you laugh in this movie, but that’s not the whole point. Let the movie end where it ends, don’t spoil it by toggling the DVD over to the bloopers. Don’t be the person to slap their knee at the funny parts and say “What a gas!” then sigh and look at your 2000s era flip phone during the tense and dramatic parts. Just don’t.
And That’s All, Folks
You may have noticed I didn’t comment on what Jeff rated these products. Oh, well they were all 5/5, but you didn’t really need me to tell you that, did you? It makes sense, there’s no reason to overanalyze it.
The only question now is whether or not any new reviews will come. It’s been since 2006, so probably not. But with an Amazon account of your own, you can follow him, just in case.
